Monday, 16 May 2011

Solitude can be Good... I think.

I don't know if I should just keep my mouth shut or something since I tend to be coarse when I'm at my boiling point, but I'm feeling rather unsettled today. No, I'm not angry, but I think I'd prefer it if I were angry. I mean, I've dealt with anger a lot of times before and though it's not a good feeling, it is somehow cathartic in the end. I just tend to blow up when I'm angry and that helps me pour out all of my pent- up frustrations (no, not that one)  in life. Thus, I have now made it clear that I deal with anger better than what I'm feeling now.

So, what exactly is this feeling I'm talking about? As a Psych major, I think I should be able to identify emotions and behavior pretty clearly, but then, this is an aspect of my life where my good senses just become faulty.... Ya know what? I don't know what I'm talking about anymore; just that I'm pissed off: at other people, at stupid choices, but most of all, at myself.

First of all, my TIN number application's all messed up. I don't know how that happened and I blamed a lot of people: My cousin's secretary, my mother, my aunt... In the end, I'm pretty sure that my laziness has done something to aggravate the situation. This realization only made me all the more pissed because I'm so proud that I hate it when I know I'm wrong. Not that I'd admit it to them or something... Anyway, I thought that my day couldn't have gotten worse, but it did. 

I think I'm being so childish now, but I just can't help it. This irritating feeling has been plaguing me for several days now. I don't know exactly what it is, but I just get irked whenever I see someone. That person (whom I will refer to as person A later) and I used to be close this summer, but eventually, person A started drifting away since I think person A has started idolizing someone else. I somehow feel betrayed-- like I've been used by person A. Initially, person A followed me everywhere. Though the attention kind of became a little burdensome, it was still a nice feeling. Just imagine when all that attention suddenly becomes zero and you start feeling left out in your own abode? It may or may not be childish, but I don't like this gnawing feeling... I feel like I'm being dragged into the deepest pit of depression. See, I'm becoming poetic. That's a sure sign of being an EMO, which I'm not normally. 

Because of this harrowing experience, I gained a really good insight: Don't let yourself get used to something great, but temporary. In other words, don't let someone too close otherwise you'll only be affected more if something bad happens. I'm not saying that solitude is good since it can be quite sad after long periods, but you need to know how to strike a balance between solitude and intimacy (in a platonic level only OK since I still have no serious romantic interest!) 

Right now, I'm acting bratty. I'm pushing person A away, not that it requires a lot of effort since person A's still busy idolizing someone. But, I think, we're going to have a bitter parting... I just realized something about myself: I tend to push people away when I know that they're going to hurt me. Call it defense mechanism if you will... I think that's the best word to describe the process I'm doing right now. 

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